Thank you so much for my dressing service yesterday. The photos you sent are fantastic and a lovely memory of the birth of Carolyn: such a long way from the guilt and pain experienced as a boy crossdressing for dad. To become a bride if only for a short time was unbelievable. In my thoughts whilst looking in the mirror I was waiting for my groom to stand by my side. The other two dresses you also encouraged me to try, both different in style, gave Carolyn a totally new and unexpected look.
I felt fantastic. I felt truly feminine. I felt genuinely myself for the first time. JJ, you made me want to become Carolyn more often. Sheís a different girl now. No more will I suffer the guilt associated with crossdressing for dad over the last 50 odd years. It began many years ago and the first Ďgirlí thoughts came into my head. It was after a blazing row between my mum and dad. He had hit her during this row. Asking mum whether or not was she OK, she turned on me. She said this was all my fault and I should have been a girl and this would never of happened.
What she said felt like a hammer blow, as if I was the one who had been hit. It was at that moment that I started crossdressing for dad. I had a sister and I was the younger child, and I was meant to be a girl. When this boy-child emerged my parents were bitterly disappointed. My mother was disappointed because my father wanted another girl. He definitely did not want a boy; he did not want me. My father believed that my mother had failed him. So why did he want another girl?
Possibly because he wanted no challenge to his male authority in the house. A family of submissive women around him would have allowed him to be the supreme ruler of his own home. But another male Ö that may have been a problem. There may have been another reason. I just donít know. Thinking back there were never cuddles or hugs from dad. Yet my sister had loads. As a boy I felt no bond of affection with my father. Then from deep within my subconscious, the solution appeared: I must become a girl, and if I could not be a girl completely then for my mum, for my dad I would dress like a girl.
Upset I went up to my sisterís room shut the door and put on one of her dresses. It felt so good to dress like that, crossdressing for dad, for my mother, for them both, to solve all the problems between them. But of course the problem was not really me: it was between my parents and I would never be able to solve it for them crossdressing for dad. The door opened and mum came in and asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was now a girl, crossdressing for dad and for her, and not to worry.
She said you will never be a girl to us and left the room. Then my sister came in and laughed out loud told me to take off the dress and to get out. Although I felt that my attempt in crossdressing for dad had not solved the tension within my family, I also knew that I must continue crossdressing for dad not for my parentís sake but for my own. After that whenever I got the chance I would dress in my sisterís clothes, feeling right crossdressing for dad, for me. But as the years went on Carolyn, the girl inside me who needed crossdressing for dad, was pushed away only now and again surfacing.
I always looked at girls but not so much for sexual reasons. My thoughts were: what a lovely dress and shoes. Dreaming, it seems, of crossdressing for dad. Looking at girls with make up on always brought back Carolyn with her thinking how she would look made up like that. In time, I settled down and had kids; but Carolyn was still crossdressing for dad and now privately dressing at home whenever she could. During dark times I even took to wearing tampons, as well as crossdressing for dad, trying to experience femininity more and more, but always feeling guilty.
And that brings me to Dress Me Up. Fours hours of pampering make up and dresses. Then such a surprise: Carolyn, crossdressing for dad, has finally arrived in her own right even if late in life. But now after a life of crossdressing for dad, Carolyn has a lot of time to make up. I know Carolyn will never as in her dreams be a real girl who can marry and get pregnant. But she can achieve so much for her feminine self by allowing Carolyn to be free and dress without guilt. I know that with JJís help in the future Carolyn will survive crossdressing for dad and grow stronger.
I now understand that the rows between my mother and father were not the cause of my crossdressing for dad. But I know that within me there has always been a girl, and that she would emerge sooner or later. The day I was discovered crossdressing for dad was simply the day that Carolyn decided to be herself. Thank you again JJ you have made this girl very happy, the girl who was once crossdressing for dad in secret and with guilt will from now be her own woman crossdressing still for dad in a sense yes, but now more than ever crossdressing to express and experience to the full her own essential femininity. Love, Carolyn x