Looking at the wonderful pictures JJ has taken of me during my last visit to her boudoir crossdressing service, I am astonished by my femininity, by how far with JJ’s help I have come in a short time. But I also see in Louise’s eyes the naivety of a young girl who still has so much to learn. Who wanted to run before she could walk?
After several years of boudoir crossdressing in the privacy of my own home I had become comfortable in portraying Louise to myself and I thought that I was in danger of pushing Louise into the corners of my life. I wanted her to be free, truly free. But I understood so little and I needed to learn so much about what it is to be a woman. I needed to learn how to walk all over again. But I was never one for accepting good advice. More fool me.
After visiting JJ at her boudoir crossdressing service last year I began to wonder at the possibilities before me of becoming Louise on a far more regular basis. I was way too eager and had not listened to JJ's boudoir crossdressing advice about taking things slowly. I was like the proverbial bull in a china shop. At first it was all about buying some new clothes for my personal and private boudoir crossdressing. But that wasn't enough.
Then it was about buying my first set of silicon breasts. I thought long and hard and eventually decided on a lovely pair of C cups. I felt in total command of my boudoir crossdressing. But I was being dragged out into deep waters by the current. I wanted even more. Why be satisfied with boudoir crossdressing breast forms if I could have the real thing? So I began to research about hormones, dreaming of my own boobs. I so desperately wanted not just to feel like a woman, and to walk and talk like a woman, but to be a woman.
Oh the excitement. My thoughts had run away with me. Instead of picking up the phone to JJ or emailing her for her boudoir crossdressing advice, I decided to do it all on my own. Naďve and stupid, I know. But I had yet to reach the height of my folly. I was leaving the comfort zone of the boudoir crossdressing service. Discretion? Privacy? Who needs them?
I realised that my next boudoir crossdressing step would have to be to see if I could pass as a woman on the street. I took to walking near my home at night to build my confidence and I dressed myself in what I thought would be neutral, but nevertheless all female, like jeans, a top and leather jacket and boots. Having tried this a couple of times I then tried the same thing in daylight and had no reaction. I now know that I was out of my depth; but then I just didn’t realise how much I needed boudoir crossdressing guidance.
My anticipation was building so the next stage was to wear make-up. Louise was perfectly capable of handling her emergence into the big bad world all on her own. Common sense? Wise boudoir crossdressing advice? Who needs them?
I picked a day off work to make myself up with mascara, lipstick and powder and blusher on. All tasteful and not overpowering but it made me feel very feminine. I wore boots, jeans, and a top and leather jacket as before and headed in to the city for a browse and shop. I was just feeling far too confident out and about when I got no looks and stares so I wandered for a coffee and also browsed in shops and chatted to sales assistants. By now my self-constructed boudoir crossdressing confidence had grown to the point where I wanted to try and buy myself something nice.
I had my eye on a couple of skirts so I went back to the shop, picked two out in black and in red and casually marched towards the male changing rooms. Then my boudoir crossdressing world had a massive reality check. At my most confident and brazen at the top of the escalator, I walked straight into an old work colleague. Whoops!!
I was panic-stricken: the safety of my boudoir crossdressing life was no more. Nervously I said hello before trying to buy time by having small talk. He was really good and said nothing; but I could see his eyes checking me out and in the end I just went for it. I said, “Please don't judge me, but I have embarked on a journey that may lead to me becoming transgender. I have cross dressed for some time now and I have started to push myself further by understanding more about what it may take to come out.”
He was great and said if it made me happy I should just go for it. Well, I was relieved, swore him to secrecy and then spent the next few days wondering if he would just out me. And Louise it seemed was not ready for that. Nor was I. The security as well as secrecy of my boudoir crossdressing had been blasted apart.
They were the longest few days of my boudoir crossdressing life.
I don't know what possessed me but I learned a very painful lesson. I know now I was not and am not ready by a long way to come out, to leave the privacy of boudoir crossdressing. I need far more time to adjust to being Louise and understanding who she is. I need to spend time with others in the real security of boudoir crossdressing; others who can help me and encourage me in my own time to find my way in life as Louise.
To everyone else who gets over-excited and carried away with themselves, and in danger of taking leave of their boudoir crossdressing senses: please stop and think before you do something you will regret. I got lucky but I could have bumped into someone who was less of a friend and who just wanted to gossip.
But there is far more than this: I had yet to learn that boudoir crossdressing confidence comes from deep within and needs to be nurtured.
I am now talking to JJ far more. With her boudoir crossdressing advice and support, I know I am in safe hands. Louise may still have her day in the open one day but at least it will be when she is ready to come out and not at the hands of a tell all.
Louise is now learning to walk like a woman, guided step by careful step by the boudoir crossdressing service. And as I look at these amazing boudoir crossdressing photographs, my breath is taken away by my feminine beauty. Little by little Louise’s essential confidence is developing. With each visit to JJ, I learn more and more. With JJ’s help, and only when she is absolutely ready, one day Louise will be free to run wherever she pleases.